Another Pipe Dream Interrupted
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory decides to get into the hotel business with Cheryl. Too bad she chose an unfortunate location.


**A volcano destroyed the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. I did come up with this idea right before the unfortunate news disaster…And odds are the volcano on Danger Island is going to erupt. It's just…**

 **Another Pipe Dream Interrupted **

"Once again I see you're all hard at work," Mallory said sarcastically when she saw the Figgis Agency lounging around in the bullpen. "Doing **nothing!** "

"Technically I'm sampling some excellent scotch," Cyril remarked as he drank some. There were some bottles on the bar.

"And I'm writing reviews of them," Pam said as she worked at her laptop.

"Mallory unless you have a case or some plan to get us money," Lana sighed. "You really aren't in a position to make any judgements."

"Like that ever stopped her **before,"** Ray quipped.

"Actually, I have come up with a plan," Mallory said. "I just bought some prime real estate."

"Not again," Ray groaned.

"Mallory…" Lana groaned.

"I **know** what you're going to say," Mallory interrupted. "And this time I took precautions! I used an **actual realtor**! Or should I say Carol and I used an **actual** realtor."

"What? Hang on," Ray held up his hand. "You bought **property** with Cheryl? **Our** Cheryl? The one sitting right over **there**?"

Cheryl was happily making a sock puppet. "What?"

 _"Her?"_ Ray asked as he pointed to Cheryl.

"I know," Mallory sighed. "I couldn't believe it either. But with Carol's realtor's help I was able to come up with something."

"This should be good," Cyril quipped as he took a drink.

"I bought a charming little hotel on the Big Island of Hawaii," Mallory grinned.

"Technically it's **my hotel** ," Cheryl spoke up as she put down the sock puppet.

" **Our** hotel!" Mallory snapped. "We both put money in it and we are going to run it!"

"Hang on," Lana did a double take. " **You?** Running a hotel? With **Cheryl?** "

"I find that very hard to imagine," Pam said.

"I can see it," Krieger remarked.

"Considering our situation, I needed to take **some kind** of alternative strategy for employment," Mallory snapped. "It looks like we may have to close down this detective agency…more like **defective agency** …And find a new line of work."

"In the _hotel business_?" Lana asked. "Mallory what do we know about running a hotel?"

"What did we know about running a **detective agency**?" Pam quipped as she looked at her laptop. "Or a spy agency? Or a cocaine cartel? Or a country music singing career? Or…"

"We get the point Pam!" Cyril shouted.

"This is actually a good idea," Cheryl said. "It's time to make things fresh and interesting by transporting us to new and exotic locations!"

Lana looked at her. "How about transporting you from the Land of Make Believe to this new place called **reality**?"

"Eh," Ray waved. "It's overrated."

"I know, right?" Cheryl asked.

"We can't just pick up and take off to Hawaii at the drop of a hat!" Lana barked. "For one thing Archer is in a coma!"

"So?" Ray asked. "I was in a coma when you guys decided to move to LA!"

"He's right," Cheryl said. "All we have to do is pick up Archer and drag him along!"

"Or leave him where he is," Cyril suggested. "Forget all about him. Just a thought."

"And another thing," Lana said. "AJ is in County Day."

" _Still?_ " Cheryl asked. "Wow. I didn't expect her to make it **this long**."

"I know right?" Ray asked her.

"What?" Lana barked.

"Not because she's dumb or anything like that," Cheryl waved. "I meant that sooner or later either you or Ms. Archer would say or do something to offend someone on the board and get kicked out. Or ran out of money. That's what I meant."

"I could see that," Ray said.

"Me too," Cyril realized.

"Sorry to disappoint you," Lana said sarcastically. "But AJ is still in County Day. And with all I went through just to get her in, I'm not taking her out!"

"It's no big deal Lana. We'll just transfer her to a similar school on the island," Mallory waved. "I did it all the time with Sterling."

"Yeah that worked out **great** for him," Lana remarked. "What about your house Mallory?"

"What **about** it?" Mallory asked. "Honestly Lana, moving out of that neighborhood isn't the worst thing in the world."

"Especially for your neighbors," Ray quipped.

"And where will **we live?"** Lana asked.

"Not with me," Mallory sniffed. "The penthouse apartment I will probably get will probably barely be enough for Ron to live in. Let alone anyone else."

"Guess I'm not the only one who lives in the Land of Make Believe," Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"We could live in the hotel," Ray suggested. "Lots of hotel owners do that."

"It would be kind of fun having a new lab in Hawaii," Krieger spoke up. "So many new exotic species to study."

"And mutate," Ray looked at him. "Or drive to extinction…"

"That goes without saying," Krieger shrugged.

"How did you have time to **do** these things?" Lana asked Mallory. "You spend a lot of it at the hospital visiting Archer."

"It's amazing what you can get done on your cellphone," Mallory admitted.

"We brokered a deal with my broker," Cheryl said. "Only for a couple million. Well Ms. Archer paid only several thousand but that's so she gets to be a partner."

"It's sixty-forty," Mallory admitted. "With me being the forty but I will **take** it! Anyway, it's a Tunt investment in Hawaii! What could go wrong?"

"Uh Ms. Archer…" Pam blinked as she looked at her laptop. "Where **exactly** on the Big Island is this hotel located? It's not on 64 Pineapple Boulevard is it?"

"Actually yes," Mallory looked at her. "That's the exact location. Why?"

"Uh oh," Pam gulped.

"Pam how did you know **that?"** Mallory asked. "Pam? What does _**uh oh**_ mean? In the context of _this situation_?"

"It's not good is it?" Cyril asked.

"No, it is not," Pam admitted.

"It never is," Cyril sighed. "This should be good…"

"No, it's bad," Pam sighed. "Very, very bad."

"What?" Mallory asked. "What? Pam what is it?"

Pam sighed. "I'd better put this up on the big screen."

She typed in the commands and the images popped up on the big screen in the bullpen. "Is that… **lava?** " Lana blinked.

A newscaster's voice was heard. "We are now showing more damage and devastation of the eruption of Kilauea volcano in Hawaii. Currently the lava is destroying this hotel on 64 Pineapple Boulevard…"

"OH GOD NO!" Mallory shouted.

"Please tell me you didn't sign the closing papers," Cyril sighed.

"Yesterday," Mallory groaned.

"Let me get this straight," Ray blinked. "Literally **a day** after you bought a hotel in Hawaii, the volcano erupts and **destroys it**?"

"What are the odds?" Lana was stunned.

"With **this group**?" Cyril asked. "One to one!"

"Good news Lana," Ray said. "You don't have to worry about transferring AJ to a different school. Well not yet…"

"I knew it!" Cyril rolled his eyes. "I **knew** something like this would happen."

"There go my dreams of being the Big Kahuna at the Science Beach Club," Krieger sighed.

"As well as all of mine of making any profit!" Mallory screamed.

"Wow," Cheryl giggled. "You are so not having a good year, are you?"

"This isn't good for you either!" Ray pointed out.

"Please," Cheryl waved. "It's only a couple million. I lose more than that every time some stupid employee gets injured or eaten taking care of one of my mansions."

"Eaten?" Lana asked. "Oh wait…You **still** have those killer plants at Tunt Manor?"

"Among other things," Cheryl shrugged. "In other places."

"This is horrible!" Mallory shouted. "This completely ruins my plans!"

"Not to mention the lives of all those people who actually **live** on the island," Lana gave her a look. "How **their lives** will be affected? Their homes gone forever?"

"Would it kill you to be on my side for once?" Mallory snapped at Lana.

"Volcanoes are so rude," Krieger quipped. "They int-erupt a lot! Get it?"

"I lava that joke," Pam quipped.

"Sixty-four grand down the drain!" Mallory groaned. "Oh God. Ron is never going to let me hear the end of it."

"Again," Lana looked at her. "Actual people's lives ruined. Homes destroyed."

"Animals and plants killed because of all the sulfur gas in the air," Krieger added. "And you know that is going to affect air quality for a long time."

"And as if the housing market in Hawaii wasn't difficult before," Pam added. "It's going to be impossible now."

"Oh, those poor realtors," Ray sighed. "Except for Cheryl's…"

"And it's all Ms. Archer's fault," Cheryl said.

"How is a volcano erupting **my fault**?" Mallory shouted. "It's also yours by that logic!"

"Tunts have had business in Hawaii for over a century," Cheryl waved. "We even have a pineapple plantation. But the minute I get into business with **you** …"

"It's like the universe didn't want Ms. Archer anywhere **near** the island," Pam put it together.

"Exactly," Cheryl nodded. "Ms. Archer has such bad vibes it was like the island went into self defense mode. Destroy everything before she does."

"You know…?" Mallory glared at Cheryl.

"Just saying," Cheryl spoke up. "There haven't been **any** major eruptions for **decades!** But the minute Ms. Archer buys property…"

"Oh my God I do see her point," Cyril realized.

"At least nobody died," Pam pointed out.

"Not yet," Mallory groaned as she went to the bar. "Again, when Ron finds out how much of our money has literally gone up in smoke he's going to kill me!"

"Honestly compared to the wildfires in California the damage is relatively mild," Krieger said. "So far…"

"Since when is **an erupting volcano** not as bad as **wildfires**?" Cyril asked.

"Dude, have you **seen** the wildfires going on?" Pam pointed. "It's insane how much damage they've…Oh God we had nothing to do with **that** did we?"

"Oh no," Krieger waved. "That wasn't us."

"Are you **sure?** " Ray asked. "Because with some of those animals that escaped…The ones with the lasers coming out of their eyes and the acid spit…"

"The pig with the lasers out of its eyes died in a mudslide not even a week after it escaped," Krieger pointed out. "And as for the acid spitting llamas, they escaped on the **other** side of the fires. Last I heard, they somehow got into Oregon. No, we're not responsible for that."

"Hooray for not being responsible for natural disasters," Cyril groaned.

"We're just responsible for a bunch of **other ones** ," Pam quipped.

"You people are **unnatural disasters!"** Mallory groaned as she poured herself a drink.


End file.
